Lily Livid
by Protector of Meladon
Summary: ...'But it wasn’t wiggling ears that made Lily terrifying.' The classic, torrential, LilyJames romance in five acts. Told through the wry wit of Remus Lupin.


**Author's Note:** I've never written an L/J fic before, but I have read Daisy Pennifold's 'How-To' Guide. A very amusing read, and under my favs list, I think, if you want to check it out. This is going to be a short story, no more than five chapters, I should guess. This little fic was inspired by a story that my boyfriend's mother told me. It was about how she and her husband met and got along. It was interesting..

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

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**Lily Livid**

**Chapter One: Annie Hall**

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Lily Evans's white knuckles gripped the edge of the counter with such a mighty, irate grip that the surface began to chip under the pressure of her sharp nails. With an eyebrow arched imperiously and her lips set in a frighteningly straight line, no one was ever really sure where the question "Would you like extra butter with that?" came from. 

Turns out that she had discreetly charmed the paper napkin dispenser to say it for her, and she was likely to get in trouble for that one seeing as how she worked at the concession stand at a Muggle cinema.

She didn't have a whole lot to complain about. They didn't make her wear a stupid hat, or assault people's ears with a stupid song on someone's birthday. No. She just stood behind the counter wearing a blue shirt that flattered her coloration, and brown corduroy pants. All she had to do was display her frightening smile, and poke the napkin dispenser every time some unsuspecting Muggle came meandering over to get some popcorn, or a pretzel.

Of course, the source of her supreme agitation was a very handsome man, who just happened to have three friends that were accustomed to scratching for fleas, even when it wasn't the full moon outside. Sirius, Peter, and I all waited exasperatedly for James to come off his senses and come watch the new Woody Allan movie with us. We all liked to joke afterwards that Peter resembled Woody Allan somewhat, and of course he'd respond that he'd rather look like Woody Allen than Severus Snape. We'd then agree wholeheartedly with him.

Lily Evans was a sweet girl. We'd both been prefects. We'd been casual acquaintances, and even partners in Charms, much to James' dismay. And even though I didn't know Lily at all, I knew just enough about her to know that she'd give anything to hex James Potter off the face of the earth right now.

James could be annoying when he was in your face, when he was leaning over the counter and peering at all the buttons on the cash register. James could even be annoying when he tampered with your first hot shower of the Christmas season, but it was when he was doing absolutely nothing except staring that he was at his prime. And that's exactly where he was now, leaning against the corner of where the concessions counter ended and where the wall intercepted it, basking in his superb ability to cheese off Lily at almost any given moment. He was twirling a straw with his long fingers and staring straight at Lily, smiling only through his mischievous eyes.

It worked. Lily was livid.

You could always tell when Lily was livid, too. It started with her eyebrows. One or both would arch. If she was mildly annoyed, it was both. If she was incensed, it would be just the left one. If she were borderline psychotic, first the left would rise, and after several more tense moments, the right would rise also. Then her jaw would clench. Occasionally, a horrid, unfeminine grinding sound would emit from the corners of her lips, and the hairs on the back of your neck stood straight up. Her eyes would narrow soon after, and it was such a shame, as James said, for her green eyes were so beautiful when they were alert, laughing and round.

The final stage in her rage would be her ears. They had the ability to wiggle. James had never seen it, but Peter had described it to him one day after his solo trip to the library one afternoon. It was the only time I'd ever seen James soften and blush. And it was the only time that James truly wanted to hex Sirius for telling all of his female friends about the incident.

But it wasn't wiggling ears that made Lily terrifying. Her ears would move straight back, like a cat flattening its ears. Then, you were in trouble. Whether she was docking points, giving detentions, or even nearly giving in to abandoning integrity and yanking your backside into the most ungodly wedgie, the ears were always the telltale sign of imminent mayhem.

As it were, Lily only had one eyebrow arched, and it was her left one. James was only halfway there. Sirius had already gone in for the previews to save us some seats, so Peter and I stood as our soft pretzels grew cold, waiting for our dunderhead of a friend to get slapped and come join us.

And James would, eventually, come find us in the theater. And then protest a weak bladder, sprinting to the concession stand to relieve himself. And by relieve I mean spout off whatever witty one liner he just couldn't hold in. Usually it was something quite frightfully vulgar, but on Sundays, James always came up with something pretty. He would never tell her she was pretty. He would tell her it was adorable when she was irate and charming whenever she threatened to disfigure his manhood. But she was always so engaging whenever he could get a smile out of her, even if it was very tiny. He would tell her that laugh lines would be her most attractive feature when she hit forty, and receive an incredulous look, followed by a faint blush.

Once he succeeded in obtaining the faint blush, he would arrive back in time for the credits, Sirius's snores, and Peter's reprimands. He would brush off the latter, kick the former and ignore the first. He'd clap me on the back and thank me for whatever lunatic reason, and we'd all follow him out as he tossed a catty wink in Lily's direction.

Lily would always return his affection with a very rude hand gesture.

Sometimes it would just be James and I at the movies. I confess to be an absolute Muggle cinema buff in my spare time. I'd often lament the releases that came out while I was in school, but having such animated friends usually made up for me missing three Bond films in a row. Sirius became very bored during movies, as most times, it wasn't enough to hold his attention. Peter preferred being around his family during the summer months, and since I had virtually no one, hanging out with James and wearing a perpetual apologetic look on my face was the way I spent my time.

"Again, Potter?" Lily sighed, the gentle whirr of the milkshake machine wafted towards the counter.

"Yes, again, Evans." James returned smoothly, leaning on the counter with one elbow.

"Is Annie Hall really that fascinating?"

"It's the most fun I've ever had without laughing," he drawled.

Lily giggled. "Try again, Potter." She handed him his popcorn while he fumbled with the Muggle change.

When Lily went into the back to retrieve some paper napkins for the dispenser, I told James the significance of what he had just said. "It's a Woody Allen thing. Part of the movie," I explained, watching the twinkle in his eye. It was disturbing how often his eyes twinkled when Lily Evans was in the general vicinity. But he was proud of himself. His quick wit just added to his accidental brilliance. When Lily came back, James thanked her and steered me away from the counter.

This time, he actually went in with me to see Annie Hall.

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End file.
